A whole world of Horror

I’ve recently been forced (forced, I say) to watch some gameshows on tv. I find most gameshows fairly horrible, but there’s a certain type of gameshow which is worse than others.

See, there’s games like “Jeopardy” that are fine to me, mostly because I’m a geek and love trivia. And there are games like “Let’s Make a Deal” which I find annoying, but at least it fits a format and it doesn’t screw around.
But the worst gameshows, by far, are those that WASTE TIME. Shows like “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and “Deal or No Deal” are the main culprits on that hell-on-earth station, GameShowNetwork.

The biggest problem these shows have is, obviously, they waste time. “Which is larger, a kitten or an island?” Seems like a simple question, but “Millionaire” will fuck around and waste a few minutes talking and yapping and getting a stupid story about how the contestant once ate a leaf in 4th grade. NOBODY CARES! Move on!
What they try to do is create tension. But the thing is, you can’t artificially create tension and drama (just watch how ineffectual the presenters of World Series broadcasts are in this regard). They use dramatic music and long annoying pauses to try to create some sort of nail-biting tension. Will the overly excited moron choose the money or the next suitcase? Will he take the money or try to guess which atomic element was discovered first? On the surface, not bad questions. Unfortunately, the shows drag out those decisions. They drag them out so long it becomes painfully obvious that the format is weak.

The format is so weak that they have to stretch things out and hem and haw and tell little stories and there is, in theory, a clock ticking for them to answer, but they take forever to decide things.

But, in the case of “Millionaire” it’s worse. Not only do they screw around and waste time and have an annoying host talk too much to waste time, they sometimes have the audacity to do a “Come back next week to see if Jimmy Jackass wins a million dollars!” What the hell???

Game shows should fit the format. You have a half hour? The show should fit in that half hour. No going over and no stretching.

So, in order to help the universe, here’s a list of things to make a better gameshow experience:
1.The game begins and ends only in the thirty minutes of the broadcast.
No going overtime.

2.Keep the chit chat to a minimum. We don’t care about contestant’s
hobbies or how they ran a bakery at 21. Answer the question and move on.

3.No inclusion of family members.“Deal or No Deal” is the worst.
What this shows is exactly how stupid the families of the morons
on these shows are. You know who they are? The ones texting while
driving, buying Cher CD’s, unable to make decisions while in front of
you in line and are people you wouldn’t want to spend 10 minutes with at
a party. So they shouldn’t be on the tv either.

4.Give the contestants a REAL time limit. You want tension? Try a
ticking clock that buzzes when time is up. Let’s see who can not
only answer a question, but do it quickly!

Ok, that’s it. I hate every one of you.
And for the record, it’s Sandy’s dream to be on one of these shows. Sad, so sad.